Chapter 7
Revising Business
Messages
Revising for Clarity, Conciseness, and
Readability
Keep it simple.
Keep it conversational.
Remove opening fillers.
Eliminate redundancies.
Reduce compound prepositions.
Purge empty words.
Revising for Clarity, Conciseness, and
Readability
Kick the noun habit.
Dump trite business phrases.
Develop parallelism (balanced construction).
Apply graphic highlighting.
Measure readability.
Keep it simple.
Avoid indirect, pompous language.
Poor: It would
not be inadvisable for you to affix your signature at this point in time.
Improved: You
may sign now.
Keep it conversational.
Formal: Our
Accounting Department takes this opportunity to inform you that we have
credited your account for the aforementioned sum.
Conversational: We have credited your account for $100.
Remove opening fillers.
Wordy: There
are four new menu items we must promote.
Improved: We
must promote four new menu items.
Eliminate redundancies.
collect together
contributing factor
personal opinion
perfectly clear
Reduce compound prepositions.
at such
time
at
which time
due to
the fact that
inasmuch
as
Reduce to
when. at
such time
Reduce to
when.
at which time
Reduce to
because
due to the fact that
Reduce to
because
inasmuch as
Purge empty words.
As for the area of athletic shoes, the degree of
profits sagged.
This is to inform you that we have a toll-free service
line.
Not all students who are registered will attend.
Purge empty words.
As for the area of
athletic shoes, the
degree of profits sagged.
This is to inform you that we have a toll-free service line.
Not all students who are [registered] will attend.
Purge empty words.
As for athletic shoes, profits sagged.
We have a toll-free service line.
Not all [registered] students will attend.
Kick the noun habit.
Wordy: We must
conduct an investigation of all parking violations before we can give
consideration to your fine.
Improved: We
must investigate all parking violations before we can consider your fine.
Dump trite "business" phrases.
Trite: Pursuant
to your request, enclosed please find a job application.
Improved: As
requested, we have enclosed a job application.
Develop parallelism (balanced construction).
Not parallel: We
can collect information, store it, and later it can be updated.
Parallel: We can
collect, store, and update information.
Apply graphic highlighting.
Letters, such as (a) and (b) within the text
Numerals, like 1, 2, and 3,
listed vertically
Bullets, like ·
Headings and print
options
CAPITAL LETTERS
underscores
boldface
italics
font sizes
Measure readability.
Apply a readability test such as Gunning's Fog Index.
Applying the Fog Index to Determine
Readability
Select the passage.
Count the total words.
Count the sentences.
Find the average sentence length.
Count the number of long words.
Applying the Fog Index to Determine
Readability
Find the percentage of long words.
Add the results.
Multiply.
Select the passage.*
Choose a continuous passage of between 100 and 130
words.
Count the total words.
Count numbers, dates, and abbreviations separately.
Count the sentences.
Count all independent clauses separately.
For example, He applied
and he was hired counts as two sentences.
Find the average sentence length.
Divide the total number of words by the number of
sentences.
110
Έ 7 = 16 words
Count the number of
long words.
A word is long if it has three or more syllables.
Exclude:
Capitalized words
Compound words formed from short words (nevertheless)
Verbs made into three syllables by the
addition of -ed or -es (located, finances)
Find the percentage of
long words.
Divide the number of long words by the number of total
words.
10 Έ110 = .09
or 9 percent
Add the results.
Add the average sentence length (16) and the percentage
of long words (9).
The result is 25.
Multiply.
Multiply by 0.4
25 x 0.4 = 10
THE
3 x 3 WRITING PROCESS
1. Prewriting
Analyze: Define your purpose.
Select the most appropriate form (channel). Visualize the audience.
Anticipate: Put yourself in the readers position and predict his
or her reaction to this message.
Adapt: Consider ways to shape the message to benefit the
reader, using his or her language.
2. Writing
Research: Collect data formally and informally. Generate ideas by
brainstorming and clustering.
Organize: Group ideas into a list or an outline. Select the
direct or indirect strategy.
Compose: Write first draft, preferably on a computer.
3. Revising
Revise: Revise for clarity, tone, conciseness, and vigor.
Revise to improve readability.
Proofread: Proofread to verify spelling, grammar, punctuation, and
format. Check for overall appearance.
Evaluate: Ask yourself whether the final product will achieve its
purpose.
What to Watch for When Proofreading
Spelling
Grammar
Punctuation
Names and numbers
Format
Basic Proofreaders Marks
How to Proofread Routine Documents
For computer messages, read on the screen in WYSIWYG
mode (what you see is what you get)
or, better yet, print a rough copy to read.
For handwritten or printed messages, read carefully and
use proofreading marks to indicate changes.
How to Proofread Complex Documents
Print a copy, preferably double-spaced.
Set it aside for a breather.
Allow adequate time for careful proofreading.
Be prepared to find errors. Congratulate, not criticize, yourself each time you find an
error!
How to Proofread Complex Documents
Read the message at least twice for meaning and for
grammar/mechanics.
Reduce your reading speed. Focus on individual words.
Evaluating the Outcome
How successful will this communication be?
Does the message say what you want it to say?
Will it achieve its purpose?
Did you encourage feedback so that you will know
whether it succeeded?