Sample Essay
exam score of "3+"
Which
"who have a good paying job, which they consider a career,"
"In these games, which are all payed for"
"and from bars, which he promotes Budweiser at."
" his job consists of more fun than actually working"
should be "more fun than work"
The following sentence is rather vague:
"and he can drink it while he is working too, but only to a certain extent"
I understand that it means Charlie can't get drunk at work, but it could be explained more fully, perhaps using words that Charlie might say.
As we grow and time passes us by, day by day, there is one person, in one career, that actually enjoys the passing time while working. That person is my cousin Charlie. Charlie has the most unique and exciting job out of anybody that I know. He is a beer representative for Budweiser, which is a product of Anheiser Busch.
Most people who have a good paying job, which they consider a career, work a normal day of eight to ten hours, from about 9:00 a.m. until 5:00 p.m. Charlie doesn't start work until usually around 6:00 p.m. and works for two to four hours a day. In an average week, he works fifteen to twenty hours.
Charlie's job consists of going to bars and promoting Budweiser products. He will set up games like ski ball and have contests to see who can throw a football and hit a specific target. In these games, which are all payed for by Budweiser, Charlie also hands out prizes to patrons who win. He has all sorts of prizes, from light up key chains, to bottle openers, to t-shirts. He even gives away inflatable chairs and couches, which say Budweiser on them. Basically, his job consists of more fun than actually working.
On top of all of the free accessories that Budweiser gives him, he also gets a free company car. He currently has a 2002 Ford Explorer, which he has just recently received. The car is loaded with leather interior, a ten speaker system, a GPS system in case he gets lost, and he even has a sun roof in it. The best part is that Budweiser buys him a new company car every five years. On top of all of that, he gets a free cell phone and almost every Anheiser Busch product for free from the factory and from bars, which he promotes Budweiser at. That means all of the free beer that he can drink and he can drink it while he is working too, but only to a certain extent. So basically what my cousin does as a job is go to bars, have fun with people, give away free Budweiser products, and even drink with the customers while he is working.
As you can see, Charlie has a career with many advantages. The main advantage though, is that he gets paid to have fun and makes good money doing it, along with some free necessities. I don't know of another job which is so unique and exciting. If I didn't have my mind set on becoming an architect, I would become a beer representative any day.
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"Cousin Charlie" is a wonderfully honest essay.
Overall, the writing is average, with an repetitive and awkward use of the word "which," weak parallel structure, a few spelling errors.
Strength in the writing comes from descriptions. Five details are included in two sentences in paragraph 3. In paragraph 4, the details are specific ("leather"), so a reader sees the options on Charlie's car.
Still, the essay is short. It could easily be developed more fully. With an added 100w or so, it might have gotten a "4."
Honesty comes from truthful writing. A reader can tell the writer truly admires Charlie. The admiration, though, has its limits (as can be seen in the last sentence.
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